I know that this sort of thing is said to get to me. Bullies find the vulnerable spot and attack it but this is the thing. People hear that, they don't know I'm transgendered, but they just heard I'm a pervert. I'm not supposed to react, I'm supposed to ignore it. How?. How do you ignore that?. "Don't show them it bothers you", trouble is it also shows them they can get away with it. It says keep doing it, it's okay and why not try some more stuff cos we got away with the last bit.
I wanna hit them, I wanna damage them but in my mind I can see the head line "pervert attacks children". I can see me being arrested, I can see me being vilified.
I walk away because that's the wise thing to do but there's a price to pay because part of me now thinks I deserve that, I'm lessened. If I didn't deserve that why didn't I do something?. I feel useless and pathetic. I want to pummel their faces into the dirt for making me feel awful about being me.
Sometimes my grasp on life is so tentative. I once wrote "if someone's on the edge, don't push". Sometimes I don't like myself that much, I don't need other people to validate that feeling. I wonder how they'd feel if they heard the trannie had killed herself?. Would they think "what did I do?". No, I don't think they would. I think they'd justify their own actions possibly even have a laugh about it.
That's the price for walking away and just ignoring it.
A while ago this little guy in America killed himself. He was 14 years old, gay and suffered from bullying. This was someone's response to his death...
The censorship of my skin
Is screaming inside and from within
There's no room in this world for a girl like me
No place around there where I fit in.
...Manic Street Preachers
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
No comments:
Post a Comment