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-5

Imagine a scale between -5 and +5. A measure of emotion if you will. Most people wake up at 0 then depending what happens that day they move up or down the scale. If bad things happen -2 or -3. Good things, +2 or +3. If you hit the lottery, hey +5. Divorce, debts, deaths can move you to -5. Most people live between -2 to +2. That's fine. Trouble comes when your days start on -2. If bad things happen your at -4 or even -5. -5 is definite risk of suicide.
-2 is where a lot of transgendered people live. The odds are stacked from the start. So much of life says transexuals are weak, perverted, less than a man, worthy of ridicule, worthy of laughing at. I was disgusted by effeminate men before I new I was one. I was disgust by what I was before I knew what I was. I was hiding what I was before I knew what I was.
"You don't have to damage me. I'm already damaged". Seems Freud was right so much of who we are depends on our childhood. Freud said parents, I say everything, everything that happens in the world around us.
When I deal with hatred, I have to deal with it twice, theirs and mine. I have to work twice as hard just to get back to -2. The effect of the last few nights events have put me at -4. That's why hate crime is different because the effect is multiplied. The effects are more serious. The effects are serious. Picking on the already weakened goes against societies beliefs. You don't pick on the handicapped.
"I'm not handicapped,". Really?, how many times did you think about suicide last year?.
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"you fucking pervert"

I know that this sort of thing is said to get to me. Bullies find the vulnerable spot and attack it but this is the thing. People hear that, they don't know I'm transgendered, but they just heard I'm a pervert. I'm not supposed to react, I'm supposed to ignore it. How?. How do you ignore that?. "Don't show them it bothers you", trouble is it also shows them they can get away with it. It says keep doing it, it's okay and why not try some more stuff cos we got away with the last bit.
I wanna hit them, I wanna damage them but in my mind I can see the head line "pervert attacks children". I can see me being arrested, I can see me being vilified.
I walk away because that's the wise thing to do but there's a price to pay because part of me now thinks I deserve that, I'm lessened. If I didn't deserve that why didn't I do something?. I feel useless and pathetic. I want to pummel their faces into the dirt for making me feel awful about being me.
Sometimes my grasp on life is so tentative. I once wrote "if someone's on the edge, don't push". Sometimes I don't like myself that much, I don't need other people to validate that feeling. I wonder how they'd feel if they heard the trannie had killed herself?. Would they think "what did I do?". No, I don't think they would. I think they'd justify their own actions possibly even have a laugh about it.
That's the price for walking away and just ignoring it.
A while ago this little guy in America killed himself. He was 14 years old, gay and suffered from bullying. This was someone's response to his death...


The censorship of my skin
Is screaming inside and from within
There's no room in this world for a girl like me
No place around there where I fit in.

...Manic Street Preachers

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Brave

It's been said on a number of occasions, "you're so brave, Holly". It's to do with the transgender thing, I'm so brave that I came out as transgendered. I'm not, really, I'm not and I'm not saying that like I'm being modest or anything, I'm just not brave. To me, jumping on a grenade is brave. Doing something that causes you risk or injury or death for someone or someone's is brave. Bravery is self-sacrificial for others. I mean, I like to think that if a metaphorical grenade was laying in front of me I'd do the brave thing but who knows?. Until you're in that position who knows what you'd do.

What I do is self-ish (notice the dash there, it's important!). It's to do with me being me and me being happy with me. The price is high but there's a payoff so it's not brave.

It could be said it was a brave thing to do to face off around 10 fifteen year olds but when the police asked me what I wanted to happen as a result of the complaint I said "I want it to stop". And I do just want it to stop, I want my peaceful life back. I'm not looking to be the hero of the piece I'm just wanting to watch Top Gear.

So I'm sitting here shitting myself that there's going to be a reprisal. I'm vulnerable, they know where I live, they can figure out when I'm not here. They're clever enough to cover their faces. After a number of events that I just let go, finally I came to the conclusion that they weren't going to stop. So I decided on a course of escalation. Every move they make, I up the anti by one move. This is the action I've taken so far

1/ Bought a small security camera from amazon (£40). So now I've had to spend money.

2/ contacted the police for advice by email. Had a couple of visits. So now I've invested time.

3/. Rang the police on the local (non-emergency) line.

4/. Rang the police on the emergence line (twice now).

The next move is to contact the local council. I've been on my councils website and they have a form to do with hate crimes. It makes me feel a little better to know I have a plan. But as I said really, I just want it to stop.






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Victims

It's sad to say, that if your transgendered and don't pass as female, you've been the victim of transphobia. I'll go one further and say that if your not transgenered you've still been a victim of transphobia and homophobia. Let me explain that. when someone is attacked, verbally, physically etc. the message is loud and clear to every straight person that you had better not be gay, lesbian, bi or transgendered. It's like this, someone goes into a bank with a gun. He or she holds it to you head and tells you to hand over the money or die. You may have no intention of not giving that person the money. You may unde the circumstances be more that willing to hand over the money but by putting the gun to your head they are making you a victim. The threat makes the victim. Doesn't matter if your transgendered or gay the gun is still at your head. It's true to say that I became the victim of transphobia even before I knew I was transgendered.

Sign of the times

Well, you join me at an interesting time. About 9 hours ago I reported a hate crime. It was the second time I've rang the police is 2 days. I'll talk about those events in later blogs. Right now I should give you a little background. I'm male to female transexual. I'm 48 years old and I've transitioned to female about 10 years ago. I live alone, im single and have very few living relatives. I'm unemployed and skint. Anything else you want to know?

Introduction

Not many laughs here. This is my transphobia blog. Its record of events, feeling and thoughts about the negative things that happen because I'm transgendered. In part, it's therapy, a place to air my feelings and get out the things that I need to say. In part, it's a record of my life, an individual history book. There's a good chance this blog won't be sucessful. I'll just write a couple of entries. And then run out of this to say. But then, who's to say what the defination of sucess is?.